Nobody's #1

Hard Times Come Again No More

2010-01-29T21:13:00.000-08:00

Let me start by announcing that I detest politics. I don't think there's any one side that has it right, and to try to force faith to fit into the box of one party is impossible. So, for what I'm about to say, know that I'm not picking a side.

This week has been an incredibly long one. Though, I say that with a bit of hesitation, as I recall the kind of weeks my wife and I were having just about two years ago, as she underwent chemotherapy for her cancer. Those weeks had no beginning or end. Time stood still, and there was no "weekend" in sight.

But this was a long week.

A little history:

Last Friday - Sarah had an infection near the cuticle on her right middle finger. She went to the Immediate Care Center, and they prescribed some medicine. Problem solved. (heh heh...)

Monday - I fractured my small finger on the right hand, and lacerated the skin and the nail. So I go to the same Immediate Care Center, get treated, X-rayed, and told to visit a hand surgeon to see what needs to be done regarding the damage. All on the evening of my mother-in-law's birthday party.

Tuesday - Went to see a hand doctor, who basically charged me a $50 co-pay (and who knows how much he charged insurance) to look at my finger, tell me it's fine and not broken, and put a band-aid on it. That evening, Sarah started getting feverish.

Wednesday - Sarah has a full-blown fever. 100+ for someone who runs in the 97s. I have a follow-up to have my finger re-bandaged, and am told that Radiology has reviewed my X-rays and confirms there IS a fracture. Their main concern is an open wound with a broken bone and the infection that can set in...especially with diabetics.

Thursday - Sarah's fever persists, and seems to be getting worse, despite the fact that she's showing no outward symptoms of illness (flu or the like.) She makes contact again with the Immediate Care Center, who says that she may be having an allergic reaction to the medicine they had prescribed on Friday. They tell her to stop taking it. Sarah also visits our family practice, where they do very little to help.

Friday - Sarah's fever continues, and now she's starting to have a rash. Revisits the Immediate Care Center, where they worry that part of the rash is actually a Staph infection. Her white blood cell count and her platelet counts are both low. (For anyone who has battled or dealt with cancer, you know the worries that come from reports of "abnormal blood work.") They send her to the Emergency Room....

STILL Friday - Sarah received IV fluids and test results show she's probably fine, and that she probably was having a reaction to the medication, and not a staph infection. After being in the ER for about 2.5 hours, they release her. As I write this, it's Friday evening, and she's resting, but still fighting a low-grade fever. And, she'll have to have more blood work on Saturday to see if things are any better. If levels stay where they were, she'll have to do a follow-up on Monday with the oncologist. All is probably fine regarding that aspect....but it always lingers in the shadows of the mind.

So you ask how in the world any of that has anything to do with politics, and my lack of interest in parties and policies?

In this:

I am thankful that I have medical insurance. Despite a few hundred dollars we've had to pay this week for co-pays, we were able to get quality care and treatment for our problems and have insurance pay for it.

Not everyone has insurance. Not everyone could have gone into an immediate care center or an emergency room for a fever, or a crushed finger. I recognize that I am blessed that I have that freedom and option. And, I wish everyone had such an option.

But, more importantly, this...

Two weeks ago, the poorest country in the western world was leveled by an earthquake. And, due to poverty, lack of structure, lack of supplies, and lack of organization to remedy these issues, people are dying from fractures and open wounds...from infections...from the inability to see a medical doctor for what should be an easy remedy.

Children are having their legs, arms, feet, hands amputated because they don't have the medical supplies needed to save them from infection.

They're amputating without anesthesia.

A generation of people died in the earthquake. And they have left behind a generation of amputees, and orphans.

The types of "small" inconveniences my wife and I experienced this week are nothing in comparison. We would never think that our minor injuries would possibly lead to our deaths. Yet, that's exactly what is happening in Haiti.

I'm not saying we should be passing the health reform bill. I'm not saying we shouldn't. I'm not saying that we're not doing enough in Haiti. And, I'm not saying that we are. I don't know that government plans are the answer, but I know that apathy isn't.

Where are the Samaritans? Who is my neighbor? If I'm to believe what is written in scripture, I'd say the my neighbor is the woman I'm friends with who has no job and can't afford a checkup. I'd say it's the 7-year-old child in Jacmel who could have his leg saved if the medical staff were able to buy or receive the right tools.

Is this "Good Sam" parable a story of a person who, despite cultural differences, helped out a man in need; teaching us that even our enemy is our neighbor? Or, is it a story that teaches us that we are to care for the beaten, the bruised, and for the ones who can't take care of or provide for their own medical treatment? Or is it both?

The Samaritan man cleaned the injured man up. Then he took him to a medical clinic and paid for his healthcare. He gave another man health benefits on his dime.

'Tis the song, the sigh of the weary...

It's been a long week. And I'm tired. We all are. But, I am also strengthened tonight by the love of friends and family. As each of these milestones unfolded this week, I've posted them to Facebook. Without hesitation, some of the folks I consider my closest and dearest spoke up...flooding in with words of hope, encouragement, prayers and "whispers" of petition to carry us through.

I hope you know who you are... I certainly do, and my heart runs over with emotion when I think of you.

Only God Can Save Us Now

2010-01-16T21:27:00.000-08:00

Pretty crazy stuff happening this week in Haiti. It's unfathomable to hear that some Haitian officials are predicting the death toll to top 100,000, and maybe reach as many as 200,000.

I heard someone on the radio today that really pointed out the key to all of this. He said,

"The earthquake didn't kill these people. Poverty did."

And I tend to believe him. Haiti has, for a long time now, been the poorest country in the Western Hemisphere. With a government that is in continuous upheaval, a land that has been stripped of its natural resources, and an infrastructure that is held together by mud and sticks, the situation was primed for such a devastating event.

The recovery is underway, but now some four days after this event, unrest is building. Starvation and dehydration are becoming the greater problems. Supplies are bottlenecked, and people are going from thankful for having survived to once again fighting for their lives.

My wife and I, just in the past few months, had been considering and praying about the possibility of adopting from Haiti. We had made contact with an agency in the country. The doors weren't open yet for us, but now, part of me wonders if "our children" are safe?

If you haven't given, but can, please don't wait. There are many good organizations you can donate to.

If you can't give, then pray for the people. Pray for the children. Pray for the rescue efforts still underway. Pray for those that need healing, those that need help, and those that need hope.

I certainly am.

...and here it is.

2009-12-20T20:26:00.000-08:00

I don't know where this is going...

2009-10-28T22:02:00.000-07:00

I haven't written in quite a while, and I don't know really why I decided to pick it back up tonight. After all, this is probably a bad time to be writing. I'm frustrated, angry, worried, completely stressed out, and for all purposes...spent.

Yet, I also recognize that it's typically in these moments -- moments in which I can't tell up from down -- that the deepest creativity and truest truths come peeking up through the fog. In the middle of the night, when the world rests; when my wife, my son, and our three dogs all are curled up under warm blankets; when all is still; that is when my mind and my heart and my soul begin to reach out for that "thing" --that mystical moment when truth is revealed--as if God himself was waiting to deliver a message and was just waiting until I was alone.

I guess that's why I'm writing. I'm lost.

Is this a test? Is it a "season" of life? Is it something altogether different? Why is it that I find myself in a state of limbo? Am I a failure? Am I about to experience some major setback? Punishment?

These are my questions. And, there's no seemingly clear answer or direction.

...I'm taking a ride on a wing and a prayer...

So this is my statement...my call...my announcement to the world, to anyone who cares to read it, and to God:

I'll take that ride on a prayer. I'm tired of limbo. I am tired of "okay." I'm tired of holding back the desire in my heart to do more. No more feeble and meager steps of faith. I'm ready to leap, to dive, to jump. No more conservative-ness in faith, life, or love.

...follow me there. We'll both be surprised.

Latter Days

2009-05-05T05:20:00.001-07:00

Yup. We sure seem to be in 'em. Or, at least, I hope so.

Ready for a change.

More to come...

Remind Us

2009-04-21T11:18:00.000-07:00

It's hard to believe it, but one year ago today (April 21) was Sarah's final chemo treatment. It wasn't, of course, the last day she had to deal with the side effects--but it was the last time she had to have a bag of the "agent orange" ported into her abdomen.

There are days--like today--that I can only refer to 2008 as a "blur." It was all too surreal, as if being thrown into a play where you're a main character, but you haven't a clue as to what to say or do. An uneasy sense of being "lost" in your own life. Time standing still. No sense of beginning or end.

To recognize what she went through, and then to see her today...healthy, alive, strong, happy....it's almost to much to take in.

But sometimes the worry and fear remain. When I read about an old schoolmate who is currently undergoing chemotherapy for the second or third time....when I hear stories of church acquaintances who have been diagnosed...or when I just happen to pass by a billboard that talks about cancer...in those instances, I'm reminded.

It touched us. It changed our lives. It stole things. And, it always lurks.

No, I don't think about it all the time, but I do think about it from time to time. There's always a twinge of worry. There's always that "what if" scenario that plays in my head.

And it isn't nice.

Yet, for this day, as much as I can, I focus on what is good. God has remained faithful to us, providing Sarah with healing, and health. She is in remission. And, other than her now-curly hair, she shows no outward indication that she underwent the hellish events of last year.

And that's what I'll remember today.

We're Gonna Pull Through

2009-03-04T19:38:00.000-08:00

I've started this blog several times over the past three months. Yet, every time, it seems I get too deep into one area, and I wind up wearing myself out trying to complete it.

So, in this attempt..I'm going to keep it "short," and simply try to boil the major events down to bullet points. (We'll see how this goes....)

December 2008
- Went to FIVE (5) Over the Rhine concerts. Two in Louisville, the two 20th Anniversary shows at the Taft Theater in Cinci, and the "Sunday Soiree" at St. E's in Norwood, OH.

The biggest highlight was at the Louisville Bomhard show. I was able to convince Sarah to come to her first OtR show...and thanks to the great help of some friends and connections, I was able to get a note to the band about her struggle with cancer this past year. That evening, they dedicated the ENTIRE SHOW to her. What an honor and surprise. Quite the highlight.

- The afore-mentioned cancer battle: December marked the one year point since Sarah was diagnosed. It was such a great thing to be able to spend Christmas celebrating life and love and the holidays with family. Christmas 2007 was a lot different. Sarah was at home, preparing for major surgery the next day. This year, we spent it opening presents, laughing with family, and recognizing the "reason for the season."

January 2009

Just as we thought we were heading into a new year of life beyond struggles (boy, I was foolishly optimistic!)...the marketing department of my company was ELIMINATED on January 5. That, of course, includes me. Now, two months later, I'm still looking for something. The market for marketing and graphic design is pretty sparce at this point. We've still had decent finances, and we know our "daily bread" is taken care of...but I'm tired of being unemployed. I'm ready for something new.

My hope/dream/prayer is that this is God's plan to open doors for me to begin a new career in music/worship ministry. It truly is my heart's desire, and my long-term goal to do such a thing.

Before our pre-paid benefits ran out at work, I went to the eye doctor and got a couple new pairs of specs....while at the appointment, the eye doctor noticed some issues related to long-term effects from having diabetes. That led to...

February 2009

As a result of what that doctor saw, he wanted me to follow up with Bennett & Bloom eye centers, and a opthamologist who specializes in diabetic retinopathy.

(have you noticed I've fallen away from my "bullet point" plans?...)

Turns out I have what's called "Proliferative Diabetic Retinopathy." I have it in both eyes, but the right eye was more noticable.

What is PDR? Basically, diabetics have issues over years where the blood vessels can't provide the oxygen/blood supply to the eye that it needs. As a result, the eye generates new vessels (capillaries) to overcome this. Sounds like a great plan, except these vessels are VERY fragile. They are prone to hemorrhaging and bleeding into the eye. This can lead to scarring around the retina, or retinal separation...a.k.a. blindness.

To prevent this, the eye surgeon uses a laser to "zap" the back of the eye several hundred times to stop the continued growth of these vessels.

So, my right eye got zapped on March 2...so I'll cover that in a minute...we're still in February, which included...

- Me turning 31, and Sarah turning 29.

Okay, on to...

March 2009

Not much yet, but two significant things.

- The eye surgery. I actually went in thinking they were doing both eyes. But the doctor said the right eye was the only one he wanted to do for now. The surgery only took about 30 minutes, and it was mildly painful at times.

The problem now, a little over 24 hours after the surgery, is that everything is now VERY BLURRY in my right eye. I don't know yet if this is a temporary or permanent thing. I hope it's just the eye healing and such. But, it's ANNOYING.

As I sit here typing this, I realized that if I close my left/good eye, I have to (with my glasses on) put my face about four inches from the screen to read it. And, no, they can't give me a new prescription. This isn't the curvature of the eye that's changed...rather, the receptors in the back have been damaged. So, if this is permanent, there's really nothing to do to improve it. It'll always be this way.

I'm thinking of getting a pirate's eye patch. Arrgh!

But, all that said...my greatest news of March 2009 so far...

As of March 3...Sarah's cancer is officially IN REMISSION!!! Yay!

I was telling a couple people today...I know it's just a word, but oh, what a powerful word it is...it's a reason to celebrate, and we're going to.

And so, as I sit here, unemployed, with only one eye working correctly, and totally unsure of what tomorrow might bring...reflecting on Sarah's good news reminds me...

We went through hell last year. Sarah more than me...but we made it. With God's power, our family's love, our friends' support, and even with a few Apples along the way.

And so, in 2009... We're gonna pull through.

hello, ohio....2

2008-12-11T19:03:00.000-08:00

hello ohio...

2008-12-11T18:55:00.000-08:00

taken at columbus zoo a couple months ago..

Long Lost Brother

2008-10-24T06:23:00.001-07:00

Yeah, so I know it's been quite a while now since I've written anything in this space. And, I gotta admit, this won't be much of a blog, either. I just wanted to let everyone know that I've not given up on "Nobody's #1," but have been dealing with the rest of life for a while. A lot of things have been happening, between family, church, friends, work, and all those things we all deal with. I do have some new things I am working on that I'd like to put here, but, for now, know that I've not given up on this, and hope you won't either.

Thanks for hanging around. Thanks for reading. Look for something of some decent value soon.

Bothered

2008-07-16T06:14:00.001-07:00

I'm gonna make this a fairly brief post. Mostly, I just wanted to take the opportunity to apologize for not posting much in the past few days. As my blog title suggests, things have left me a bit "bothered" lately.

There's been a lot going on, for me, for family, for church, for friends...and I've been involved in all of them. At times, it's been a rough journey...so I appreciate your thoughts, prayers, and overall well wishes.

I can't get into specifics...some of it is very personal (and not just for me, but others.) But, I appreciate all who venture by and take a moment to offer up a prayer.

I hate to have a post that will be completely depressing, so....

here's just another way I'm "bothered." Last Friday was "Cow Appreciation Day" at Chick-fil-A restuarants nationwide. Anyone who came in wearing something "cow-related" got a free sandwich. If you dressed "head-t0-hoof" as a cow, you received a free combo meal...sandwich, fries and a drink.

Yes. I have two cow costumes. Well, I have one. My wife has the other. (don't ask.)

So, I coerced my co-worker and all-around-fun-person Mary to don the other outfit. Our other co-worker, Jared, came along and got a few shots. Enjoy.

And, yes, I am very "bothered." (or "disturbed," whichever way you want to put it. And, yes, I'm the one wearing the udders. (don't ask.)

Trouble

2008-07-07T09:49:00.000-07:00

Seems like there's a lot of trouble going down the last couple days, and I'm a bit overwhelmed by it all.

A lot of it has to do with things going on at church. Things that remind me of why I am turned off by organized religion. Things that make me question why I would even want to be a part of that type of work. Things that hurt my family. Things that aren't easily solved. Things that make me wonder if the next few weeks and months for church could be really bad.

And, I'm getting a greater sense that Changes Come....for me. I don't have a clue right now what it is. I thought it might be ministry-related. Now, I'm seriously doubting that. But, I still get the feeling that something is about to change in my life--drastically. I'm not even worried about it; I just wish it would happen, or be clear as to what it is. And, I pray it doesn't hurt my family and friends. (or me, actually, but ya know I'm less worried about me...)

Seems like a lot of "plans" I had in my head are either falling apart or dangling by a thread. Seems like I'm discontent and maybe just a little depressed about it.

So, yeah. Trouble.

...in the meantime...
Shout out! to The Lost Dogs....Terry Scott Taylor, Mike Roe, Derri Daugherty, and Steve Hindalong. You guys rocked last night, and provided a nice get-away from the "trouble."

Discount Fireworks

2008-07-05T10:02:00.000-07:00

So, last night was the big night for me. It was our 9th annual family and friends get-together and 4th of July fireworks extravaganza. Seeing friends and family was great, but my main focus was on blowing stuff up!

It was raining on and off most of the day, so I knew that there would be a chance we might not get any fireworks in. However, in looking at radar, it appeared we would be in the clear by nightfall.

Around 7, we had a major downpour, which one attendee said was God's way of making sure I didn't burn down our house. Once that wave of storms passed, I knew we'd be good for most of the show.

Around 8:45 or so, we started making our way out to the yard for the big show. This year, I had set aside about $120 for mostly large-shell fireworks. So, I knew we'd have a nice show. I try to up the ante every year, and this was, by far, the most airborne artillery I've ever purchased for the show.

We had a few fountains as well, and of course Sarah and Amy's annual Pyrotechnic Ballet, where they run around the yard twirling sparklers in each hand. It is, of course, a tradition that draws crowds. And laughs.

We got several "oohs" and "aahhs" throughout the show. My cousin Phillip was there to help in lighting off the big stuff, and we promoted Leigh this year to Pyrothechnician 1st Class.

We shot off fireworks for a good 45 minutes to hour, when a few sprinkles began to fall. And then, the skies opened up. Major downpour, and everyone rushed to get back in the house. The "crew" worked feverishly to get the remaining fireworks back in the garage. We were able to salvage everything that was left, I believe.

We only got about 1/4 of the large artillery off, and we're hoping to find a weekend soon that we can light a few more off. Otherwise, we'll save 'em for next year....the 10th anniversary. And, oh, what plans I've already got stirring in my mind! (insert evil laugh here.)

I'm uploading videos to YouTube now, and once they're done, I'll compile them and post them below.

Anything at All

2008-06-29T18:19:00.000-07:00

I was going to make this a big long diatribe about something deeply spiritual or philosophical. Something that would stir readers to write back with comments like, "Wow, thank you. You've changed my life."

Heh. How arrogant of me, huh?

Instead, I just decided I'd do a few random comments. I've had several events take place over the past couple days that don't relate to each other in any way. So here goes.

On old friends: I went with Sarah to her 10 year high school reunion. It was great seeing everyone in her class that could make it. Since we both went to the same, small school, I knew them all, and they were friends growing up. It was great to see them and to catch up on their lives. I was also reminded that I attended (if Megan is correct) 6 Jr/Sr banquets (our equivalent of a prom,) with four different girls....which--as far as we can tell--is a record still unmatched. I'm both greatly ashamed and proud of this accomplishment. As Megan once told me, I was a "whore."

On being a "whore": If you've never listened to the singer/songwriter Derek Webb, I highly encourage it. He has a song called, "Wedding Dress" that sums up a lot of truths about modern-day churches, and modern-day Christians. I am a whore, I do confess. I put you on just like a wedding dress and run down the aisle...

On the church: I had a really good conversation with a friend the other day about the church, and what is wrong and right with it. I have learned to find a lot of dislike in organized religion. I think there is a growing number of Christians who feel the same way--and agree that a "new vision" is needed for the church. Personally, I think we have a short time to make the changes in how we reach individuals; in how we evangelize in an authentic way; in how we disciple our children to be the next generation; in how we put away the man-made doctrines that so often seem to drive good people away from the truth of the gospel; in how we "do church."

On my role in the church: I mentioned in my "nobody" blog that I feel in my heart that I'm called to ministry in some form. Particularly, I feel a strong call to worship ministry. I'm praying for a current opportunity, and seeing if God's opening that door or shutting it in my face. Either way should be interesting. One thing that may hold me back is that I want to do worship/ministry differently--based on the brief comments I made a moment ago. Even though I've done worship ministry before, in varying forms, I feel like there are new areas to explore. I feel there are more authentic ways to do it. People see through "fluff" and "show" pretty quickly, and I want to create a worship time that gets beyond the surface and beyond the gloss to the gritty, dirty, naked worship (okay, not literally...sorry for any bad visual images I've just lavished on you.)

On God's sense of humor: We had a big service at church today. It was a patriotic service with this week being the 4th of July. It was highly-choreographed. It was very "Branson." (You Andy Williams fans would've appreciated it.) But, for me, it was very over-the-top. It wasn't a time of worship for me at all. It was more about putting on a show. Mind you, the guest speaker was very good. But, overall, it was a very scripted and showy service.

But, God has a sense of humor. On a morning with a huge turnout, when "excellence" is so strived for on a technical and programming level, God got a good laugh. And so did I. We had spent the last couple weeks putting together a special slide presentation of veterans in the church. I had spent a lot of time yesterday putting together PowerPoint slides for the service as well...making sure everything would fit into the plans the leadership had for the day.

We went through rehearsal and everything went very smoothly. So smoothly, that our minister said something to me of how smooth things had gone.

"You know what that means?" I asked. "It means that either the projectors going to die, the flag is gonna fall in the baptismal, or a pack of wild dogs are going to come through during the service. When it's this smooth, something's bound to happen."

He laughed, and commented that if so, we'd just move on. I said the same.

About 3 minutes later the big screen projector died.

We troubleshooted, and decided it was overheating. We left it off up until service time to let it cool. We turned it on, and it lasted about 30 seconds.

So, on this highly-planned, highly-anticipated (by some), highly-choreographed day, we had to be flexible. Honestly, it went pretty well for something that has become so critical to the service.

Still, I think God got a good chuckle.

On Independence Days: It was a reminder today of my last service as worship leader at the same church about 4 years ago. After serving for a couple years in a part-time role, it became obvious that I needed to get out. I was trying to work a full-time job, we were just starting foster parenting, and I was trying to be a full-time leader for part-time pay. Something had to give, and after lots of prayer and questioning, I felt leaving the role was the right move.

My last day was the Independence Day celebration that year. It seems interesting to me that, four years later, I'm considering returning to that post...if the opportunity is offered.

On the Fourth of July: Nine years ago, Sarah and I went to her grandparents' house in Hillview, KY to meet up with her two younger cousins, Phillip and Amy. We drove over to the local Wal-Mart parking lot, and bought about $25 in sparklers and fountains. We went back to their house and lit them all. Sarah and Amy ran around the yard with a sparkler in each hand. A tradition began.

Forward nine years, and introduce yourself to the Longest-Miller 4th of July Fireworks Extravaganza and Independence Day Celebration of Patriotism and National Pride. (To clarify, that's me as George Wahington, Phillip as Martin Van Buren, Sarah as Ben Franklin, and Amy as Thomas Jefferson.) Every year, we've tried to up the ante a bit...either through lengthening of the name of the event or improving on the fireworks. This year, I think we've managed to do both. This year's name is great, and I am highly pleased with how my photoshopping came out on the invitation. But, what excites me most is the pyrotechnic display at the end of the night. Today, I traveled to Southern Indiana (where you can buy the stuff but can't use it) and was able to acquire about $112 worth of LEGAL (in some places) fireworks.

200 small rockets
40 medium rockets
54 large mortar shells

We've had versions of all of these in the past, but the mortars this year are larger than in the past. I'm giddy.

But, I'm also already thinking about the 10th anniversary next year.

On Apples: Yes, my wife thinks we're all freaks. She doesn't understand us at all, and I don't think she really has any desire to ever understand us. But, I gotta say, some of the Apples have become good friends recently. It's nice to have new friends that seem like old friends. It's nice to have this oddball, creative community to call my own. It's nice to be able to help each other out and to understand each other's "language." Even if some of us listen to Duran Duran, like Lynn's Paradise Cafe's atmosphere, or enjoy watching "What's Love Got to do With It -- the Tina Turner Story."

On getting together with some Apples: I'm hoping to do so in a few weeks. I'm excited. I need my Apple "fix" since I probably won't get to make it to the Fraze show next month. Lynn's Paradise Cafe, anyone?

On how I'm gonna wrap up this post: I was gonna just say "Seacrest OUT!" But that led me to another thought...

On American Idol coming to Louisville next month: I can't decide if this is a good or bad thing. Mostly, I'm thinking bad. 'Cause when those "worst of" shows air at the beginning of next season, you know they'll portray Louisville as a hillbilly town. And, as those of us in louky always do, we'll perpetuate the stereotype....Corn hole, mullet and all.

On how I'm really gonna wrap up this post: Very simply.

editor's note: you may have noticed that I've updated some of the post titles. I thought it'd be interesting to match the topics with a song title or lyric from OtR. Shout Out!s will now be headlined with "etcetera. Whatever." - pL

Lookin' Forward, Lookin' Back

2008-06-26T11:09:00.000-07:00

Shout out! to the folks that created this video on living with diabetes. Production could be a little better, but the concept is strong.

Nobody's #1

2008-06-23T21:47:00.000-07:00

If you're NOT an Over the Rhine fan, then you probably are wondering where my blog title comes from. And, if you ARE an OtR fan, you may be wondering why my title is slightly different than the actual song title. (Nobody Number One.) Well, there's a lot for me to identify with in the song. Maybe it has deeper meaning than what I draw out of it, but I do draw from it. For years, I've struggled with this feeling that--although I'm much better about dealing with it--persists in my life. A feeling that can be summed up in this statement:

I am nobody.

I have been told I have a lot of gifts. I can sing. I can play guitar, drums, the dulcimer (hammered and mountain,) piano, and a few other instruments (some better than others.) I have been doing professional graphic design work for a decade. I've been writing even longer. I am fairly experienced in audio and visual technologies. I've done youth ministry, worship ministry. I've taught, led camps, fixed computers, and I change my own oil and brakes. And, on occasion, I've been told that I'm a good listener, a caring person, and a good friend. I know I do all those things. And, I try to do them as well as I can. I don't claim to be great at any of them. But, I am able to do them all. And, I've been recognized by some for my abilities. But, most of the time, I still feel like I'm nobody. I don't want this to sound selfish, so slap me in the face if it does. But, I feel like I'm needed for a lot of things, but not recognized for a lot of things. And, as a result, I think my mind leads me down a road that tells me that I must be a nobody. If I serve, if I play, if I give of myself and my talents, and I am not recognized....that's fine. I do it all to serve, to help. But, if it goes unrecognized--in my mind--it is as if I just gave a piece of me that I'm not getting compensated for. Maybe this is a "creative person" thing. I just had a conversation with someone who was telling me how it was a bit scary to be sharing their talent with the world...like it was giving up something "inside" to the "outside." It's a very unnerving thing to do for the first time. But, it can be very rewarding. I guess what I'm saying is, at least in my mind, I've let all my creative "inside" out, and I don't think it's been very rewarding. I know my treasure's in heaven. But, I'd love to have a bit of recognition here too.

A Piece of Me

Here's more insight. The things I mentioned above...the talents. They've ALL been self-taught. I've never taken a graphic design class. I've never taken a piano lesson, a guitar lesson, a dulcimer lesson, a computer course, etc. I did take a semester of journalism, and a semester of youth ministry. Other than that, it's all things I've chosen to learn on my own, and taught myself. And, while you may think that's special, it means that my resume doesn't really go beyond my high school education. I am not a textbook Christian. I think people know I'm a Christian, but I also don't want to fit into the cookie-cutter pattern that today's churches have created to define a good "Christian." With that said, I have a heart for ministry. I want to minister...specifically through worship ministry and through touching individual lives. Over the past 6 years or so, I have continually been drawn into worship ministry in some form. And, when I close my eyes, or go to that place in my heart where I feel that I would be smack-dab in the middle of doing what God created me to do, I am leading worship. I am touching lives through music and the arts. I am serving in ministry. I feel at times that my life has been made for this form of service. And, nothing gets my heart more aflutter than to be leading others in a song, and to be using the power of written word and music to change others' viewpoint on life and faith. And, if I look at my self-taught resume, I think, "hey, I've got the talents to do that as a profession." But, then, I'm reminded... I'm a nobody. I'm not formally trained in music. And, I'm not ordained. I have no diploma that says I can minister to people. And so, when the opportunity to pursue a job as a worship minister comes up--as is the case right now--I already feel like it's useless to pursue. Because, after all, I'm nobody. On paper, I just don't stack up to the others. "But Patrick, you shouldn't let that hold you back." I know. But, I also know that when a church looks for a "minister"--an "ordained minister," that they will probably not look at me. I'm little more than a high school graduate. I'm the guy who has to check the "Some College" button. And, that's pushing it.

That Still Small Voice

It is calling me. But, I can't tell right now what it's trying to say. I'm drawn to it. I want to understand it. But, I don't know what it's telling me. Is it telling me that I'm supposed to be a worship minister? Is it saying that I'm supposed to remain where I'm at? Or, is it telling me that I need to get used to the idea of being "nobody"? I'm just not sure.

C'mon now, Child, Don't Cry

I hope this isn't coming across as whining. I hope it doesn't come across as "why am I not getting paid better," or, "why can't I just have the job I want," or, "why doesn't anybody just take time to really thank me for what I do?" So, please, if it is....again....slap me. I just feel like I'm stuck in this loop where I'm always going to be that guy who can do everything, but is always forgotten about when it comes time for appreciation. And, it's partly my own fault. I know. I don't ask for much in the way of compensation for what I do. I give of my time, and I'd give more if I could. But, I give away a lot of my talents. I give away those pieces of me too freely at times. And so, I've become the go-to guy who can do something for someone on a moment's notice, and I don't establish ways to be compensated. And, once you head down the road where people see you giving freely, it unfortunately results in getting burned and used. And, that's where it's my fault. I've allowed that for certain things...for certain jobs...for certain roles.

We Always hit the Bottom 'fore we get set Free

Why am I bringing all this up now? Why is all this spilling out of me? Why am I sharing these inner thoughts with you? Why? In the past six months, I've been through an emotional, spiritual, and sometimes physical hell. I didn't go through the cancer--my wife did. But, I've suffered. Emotionally, this has drained me to a breaking point. Spiritually, it's caused me to doubt, to question, and to shut down. Physically, I'm exhausted, and yet, I'm on edge...just waiting for the next bad thing to happen. I didn't go through the treatments--my wife did. But, I've got my own scars from this. I don't have to have follow-up scans and checkups--my wife does. But, I'll have to go through the same fear of waiting and not knowing what's around the corner....will it come back? So, maybe I'm hitting the bottom. And, maybe this is all my emotions and thoughts coming out because--well--I can't get any lower. I'm ready to get set free. I'm ready to move on to the reward. I'm ready to do something that I love. I'm ready to be happier. I'm ready to be more than nobody number one.

I think I'm beginning to breathe.

....and that's how white boys rap in Kentucky. (that's for the Apples.)

etcetera, Whatever.

2008-06-20T17:48:00.000-07:00

a quick Shout Out! to Kylie Jo, a kindred spirit and fellow Apple, for taking the brave step of posting her photography for the world to see and--hopefully--purchase. Congrats, KJ!

Check out her work. You can find her at thesecretroom.etsy.com.

and another Shout to Bill I., who maintains OtR's MySpace and Facebook sites, is a Louisvillian, and an all-around pleasant fellow and also a great photographer. His blog has been added to the kindred spirits below.

The People Here Are Not Shy

2008-06-19T06:42:00.000-07:00

In regards to being an Apple... One of the things that has really helped me get through the past several months of my wife's battle with cancer has been this thing called "The Orchard." When days were exhausting, when I wasn't sure how to get my next boost of energy, or when I just needed a moment to get away from the space-time continuum that is cancer, I would go to the Orchard. But, going to the Orchard was only part of the escape. I really go to the Orchard for the Apples. To spend time with them. To learn about them. To build friendships and relationships with them. To be energized. To empathize. And sometimes, to just sit, silently, and wait. I'm an Apple, by the way.

Okay. Some explanation? Apples are just people. More specifically, people who are a part of The Orchard--an online community of individuals brought together, initially, by their shared love of the band Over the Rhine. But, spend some time there, and it becomes quickly noticeable that there is much more than a shared love of a band that draws us together. We're family. In a weird, wild, and wonderful way.

What draws us all together? I was talking with my wife about it the other day, trying to explain that I think it has to do with our shared love of all things artistic. It is amazing to learn the artistic talents that are embodied within the Apples (the "forbidden fruit" as Karin calls us.) There are lovers of all things music (even Duran Duran,) all things photography, all things literary...and the list goes on. Not only that, but it seems nearly everyone has a talent or two that drives them. Writing poetry. Singing. Painting. Playing an instrument (or two, or three, or...) I was trying to explain to my wife that I think it's the "creative" connection that has attracted me to the Orchard...that, and the hundreds of interesting stories that come out of it.

I was relating the Orchard community to her much like the Highlands neighborhood of my hometown of Louisville. If you live in or around Louisville, you know what the Highlands are, and what the social atmosphere is like. I love it down there, and could easily find myself living in that part of town (I know of at least one Apple that does live in the Highlands, in fact.) There's a lot of creativity churning on the streets, in the shops and along the sidewalks of Bardstown Road. And, like the Orchard, there are a million stories to tell.

My wife's response?

"So basically, you're all freaks?"

Yep. That about sums it up.

Shout Out! to Ear X-tacy ! Paste Magazine is naming them one of the top 17 coolest music stores in the country. Nice to see Louisville getting some music recognition lately. This month's Paste features hometown favorites My Morning Jacket as the cover story.

Changes Come

2008-06-18T18:47:00.000-07:00

It's now been about 6 months or so since I've written a blog that was based on nothing but my own interests. With Sarah going through chemotherapy for her cancer, it became obvious that my blog page (fingerposts.blogspot.com) needed to be focused on that journey. Sarah really took over the task of keeping it updated and I think she still sees it as a good way to share with friends, family, and anyone interested in her journey.

I've been quite pleased to let her do the blog. I really lost my interest in blogging and I think I needed that break from writing.

In the last couple days, though, I've felt like I am somewhat ready to rediscover my words. To re-invest in the exercise of blogging; and this time, to do it in an altogether different way.

I don't know that I'll blog every day...or every other day...honestly, I don't plan on promising much more than the occasional post. But I do want these to be more significant in nature...to reveal more about me, my life, my views, my friends and my familiy, and the interests of my journey. I plan on it being more "artsy" in nature. I'm a Christian, I don't deny it, and I'm unashamed of the faith I hold dear. I trust in the Lord, I love Him. I serve Him in my life. But, unlike many of my other blogs in the past, this one won't be solely focused on my faith. Sure, faith will play a factor in what I write (that is, you'll probably get a taste of my faith through what I write) but it won't be the key focus of these posts.

This will be a random blog, too. Some days, I expect it to be rambling diatribes of my personal opinions. Other days, it will be to show a photo or video I've come across. Some days, it may just be a word or two in reference to something random.

Basically, don't expect anything you'd expect.

I'm starting on my first blog tonight. I'm hoping to finish it and post it in the next day or two.

--OH, and Shout outs will abound! For example:

Shout Out! to Bill, Stiv & Amanda, Bruce (Sweet Caroline), Kylie Jo, Kelly, Jeanne, Amanda, Steve, and any other Apples who may venture by! You're my newest "family" and are part of my inspiration for doing this again! Thanks!!

Shout Out! to Karin, Linford, Jake and Mickey! You'll probably not stop by, but I'm shouting nonetheless. If the Apples are part of my inspiration, you are my motivation. In the past few months of my wife's cancer journey, I have found my peace, solace, and energy in your music, in Linford's lyrics, and in Karin's voice. I can't thank you enough. You've got a lifelong fling in me.

First blog soon. I promise.