Nobody's #1

I was going to make this a big long diatribe about something deeply spiritual or philosophical. Something that would stir readers to write back with comments like, "Wow, thank you. You've changed my life."

Heh. How arrogant of me, huh?

Instead, I just decided I'd do a few random comments. I've had several events take place over the past couple days that don't relate to each other in any way. So here goes.

On old friends: I went with Sarah to her 10 year high school reunion. It was great seeing everyone in her class that could make it. Since we both went to the same, small school, I knew them all, and they were friends growing up. It was great to see them and to catch up on their lives. I was also reminded that I attended (if Megan is correct) 6 Jr/Sr banquets (our equivalent of a prom,) with four different girls....which--as far as we can tell--is a record still unmatched. I'm both greatly ashamed and proud of this accomplishment. As Megan once told me, I was a "whore."

On being a "whore": If you've never listened to the singer/songwriter Derek Webb, I highly encourage it. He has a song called, "Wedding Dress" that sums up a lot of truths about modern-day churches, and modern-day Christians. I am a whore, I do confess. I put you on just like a wedding dress and run down the aisle...

On the church: I had a really good conversation with a friend the other day about the church, and what is wrong and right with it. I have learned to find a lot of dislike in organized religion. I think there is a growing number of Christians who feel the same way--and agree that a "new vision" is needed for the church. Personally, I think we have a short time to make the changes in how we reach individuals; in how we evangelize in an authentic way; in how we disciple our children to be the next generation; in how we put away the man-made doctrines that so often seem to drive good people away from the truth of the gospel; in how we "do church."

On my role in the church: I mentioned in my "nobody" blog that I feel in my heart that I'm called to ministry in some form. Particularly, I feel a strong call to worship ministry. I'm praying for a current opportunity, and seeing if God's opening that door or shutting it in my face. Either way should be interesting. One thing that may hold me back is that I want to do worship/ministry differently--based on the brief comments I made a moment ago. Even though I've done worship ministry before, in varying forms, I feel like there are new areas to explore. I feel there are more authentic ways to do it. People see through "fluff" and "show" pretty quickly, and I want to create a worship time that gets beyond the surface and beyond the gloss to the gritty, dirty, naked worship (okay, not literally...sorry for any bad visual images I've just lavished on you.)

On God's sense of humor: We had a big service at church today. It was a patriotic service with this week being the 4th of July. It was highly-choreographed. It was very "Branson." (You Andy Williams fans would've appreciated it.) But, for me, it was very over-the-top. It wasn't a time of worship for me at all. It was more about putting on a show. Mind you, the guest speaker was very good. But, overall, it was a very scripted and showy service.

But, God has a sense of humor. On a morning with a huge turnout, when "excellence" is so strived for on a technical and programming level, God got a good laugh. And so did I. We had spent the last couple weeks putting together a special slide presentation of veterans in the church. I had spent a lot of time yesterday putting together PowerPoint slides for the service as well...making sure everything would fit into the plans the leadership had for the day.

We went through rehearsal and everything went very smoothly. So smoothly, that our minister said something to me of how smooth things had gone.

"You know what that means?" I asked. "It means that either the projectors going to die, the flag is gonna fall in the baptismal, or a pack of wild dogs are going to come through during the service. When it's this smooth, something's bound to happen."

He laughed, and commented that if so, we'd just move on. I said the same.

About 3 minutes later the big screen projector died.

We troubleshooted, and decided it was overheating. We left it off up until service time to let it cool. We turned it on, and it lasted about 30 seconds.

So, on this highly-planned, highly-anticipated (by some), highly-choreographed day, we had to be flexible. Honestly, it went pretty well for something that has become so critical to the service.

Still, I think God got a good chuckle.

On Independence Days: It was a reminder today of my last service as worship leader at the same church about 4 years ago. After serving for a couple years in a part-time role, it became obvious that I needed to get out. I was trying to work a full-time job, we were just starting foster parenting, and I was trying to be a full-time leader for part-time pay. Something had to give, and after lots of prayer and questioning, I felt leaving the role was the right move.

My last day was the Independence Day celebration that year. It seems interesting to me that, four years later, I'm considering returning to that post...if the opportunity is offered.

On the Fourth of July: Nine years ago, Sarah and I went to her grandparents' house in Hillview, KY to meet up with her two younger cousins, Phillip and Amy. We drove over to the local Wal-Mart parking lot, and bought about $25 in sparklers and fountains. We went back to their house and lit them all. Sarah and Amy ran around the yard with a sparkler in each hand. A tradition began.

Forward nine years, and introduce yourself to the Longest-Miller 4th of July Fireworks Extravaganza and Independence Day Celebration of Patriotism and National Pride. (To clarify, that's me as George Wahington, Phillip as Martin Van Buren, Sarah as Ben Franklin, and Amy as Thomas Jefferson.) Every year, we've tried to up the ante a bit...either through lengthening of the name of the event or improving on the fireworks. This year, I think we've managed to do both. This year's name is great, and I am highly pleased with how my photoshopping came out on the invitation. But, what excites me most is the pyrotechnic display at the end of the night. Today, I traveled to Southern Indiana (where you can buy the stuff but can't use it) and was able to acquire about $112 worth of LEGAL (in some places) fireworks.

200 small rockets
40 medium rockets
54 large mortar shells

We've had versions of all of these in the past, but the mortars this year are larger than in the past. I'm giddy.

But, I'm also already thinking about the 10th anniversary next year.

On Apples: Yes, my wife thinks we're all freaks. She doesn't understand us at all, and I don't think she really has any desire to ever understand us. But, I gotta say, some of the Apples have become good friends recently. It's nice to have new friends that seem like old friends. It's nice to have this oddball, creative community to call my own. It's nice to be able to help each other out and to understand each other's "language." Even if some of us listen to Duran Duran, like Lynn's Paradise Cafe's atmosphere, or enjoy watching "What's Love Got to do With It -- the Tina Turner Story."

On getting together with some Apples: I'm hoping to do so in a few weeks. I'm excited. I need my Apple "fix" since I probably won't get to make it to the Fraze show next month. Lynn's Paradise Cafe, anyone?

On how I'm gonna wrap up this post: I was gonna just say "Seacrest OUT!" But that led me to another thought...

On American Idol coming to Louisville next month: I can't decide if this is a good or bad thing. Mostly, I'm thinking bad. 'Cause when those "worst of" shows air at the beginning of next season, you know they'll portray Louisville as a hillbilly town. And, as those of us in louky always do, we'll perpetuate the stereotype....Corn hole, mullet and all.

On how I'm really gonna wrap up this post: Very simply.

editor's note: you may have noticed that I've updated some of the post titles. I thought it'd be interesting to match the topics with a song title or lyric from OtR. Shout Out!s will now be headlined with "etcetera. Whatever." - pL

Shout out! to the folks that created this video on living with diabetes. Production could be a little better, but the concept is strong.

If you're NOT an Over the Rhine fan, then you probably are wondering where my blog title comes from. And, if you ARE an OtR fan, you may be wondering why my title is slightly different than the actual song title. (Nobody Number One.) Well, there's a lot for me to identify with in the song. Maybe it has deeper meaning than what I draw out of it, but I do draw from it. For years, I've struggled with this feeling that--although I'm much better about dealing with it--persists in my life. A feeling that can be summed up in this statement:

I am nobody.

I have been told I have a lot of gifts. I can sing. I can play guitar, drums, the dulcimer (hammered and mountain,) piano, and a few other instruments (some better than others.) I have been doing professional graphic design work for a decade. I've been writing even longer. I am fairly experienced in audio and visual technologies. I've done youth ministry, worship ministry. I've taught, led camps, fixed computers, and I change my own oil and brakes. And, on occasion, I've been told that I'm a good listener, a caring person, and a good friend. I know I do all those things. And, I try to do them as well as I can. I don't claim to be great at any of them. But, I am able to do them all. And, I've been recognized by some for my abilities. But, most of the time, I still feel like I'm nobody. I don't want this to sound selfish, so slap me in the face if it does. But, I feel like I'm needed for a lot of things, but not recognized for a lot of things. And, as a result, I think my mind leads me down a road that tells me that I must be a nobody. If I serve, if I play, if I give of myself and my talents, and I am not recognized....that's fine. I do it all to serve, to help. But, if it goes unrecognized--in my mind--it is as if I just gave a piece of me that I'm not getting compensated for. Maybe this is a "creative person" thing. I just had a conversation with someone who was telling me how it was a bit scary to be sharing their talent with the world...like it was giving up something "inside" to the "outside." It's a very unnerving thing to do for the first time. But, it can be very rewarding. I guess what I'm saying is, at least in my mind, I've let all my creative "inside" out, and I don't think it's been very rewarding. I know my treasure's in heaven. But, I'd love to have a bit of recognition here too.

A Piece of Me

Here's more insight. The things I mentioned above...the talents. They've ALL been self-taught. I've never taken a graphic design class. I've never taken a piano lesson, a guitar lesson, a dulcimer lesson, a computer course, etc. I did take a semester of journalism, and a semester of youth ministry. Other than that, it's all things I've chosen to learn on my own, and taught myself. And, while you may think that's special, it means that my resume doesn't really go beyond my high school education. I am not a textbook Christian. I think people know I'm a Christian, but I also don't want to fit into the cookie-cutter pattern that today's churches have created to define a good "Christian." With that said, I have a heart for ministry. I want to minister...specifically through worship ministry and through touching individual lives. Over the past 6 years or so, I have continually been drawn into worship ministry in some form. And, when I close my eyes, or go to that place in my heart where I feel that I would be smack-dab in the middle of doing what God created me to do, I am leading worship. I am touching lives through music and the arts. I am serving in ministry. I feel at times that my life has been made for this form of service. And, nothing gets my heart more aflutter than to be leading others in a song, and to be using the power of written word and music to change others' viewpoint on life and faith. And, if I look at my self-taught resume, I think, "hey, I've got the talents to do that as a profession." But, then, I'm reminded... I'm a nobody. I'm not formally trained in music. And, I'm not ordained. I have no diploma that says I can minister to people. And so, when the opportunity to pursue a job as a worship minister comes up--as is the case right now--I already feel like it's useless to pursue. Because, after all, I'm nobody. On paper, I just don't stack up to the others. "But Patrick, you shouldn't let that hold you back." I know. But, I also know that when a church looks for a "minister"--an "ordained minister," that they will probably not look at me. I'm little more than a high school graduate. I'm the guy who has to check the "Some College" button. And, that's pushing it.

That Still Small Voice

It is calling me. But, I can't tell right now what it's trying to say. I'm drawn to it. I want to understand it. But, I don't know what it's telling me. Is it telling me that I'm supposed to be a worship minister? Is it saying that I'm supposed to remain where I'm at? Or, is it telling me that I need to get used to the idea of being "nobody"? I'm just not sure.

C'mon now, Child, Don't Cry

I hope this isn't coming across as whining. I hope it doesn't come across as "why am I not getting paid better," or, "why can't I just have the job I want," or, "why doesn't anybody just take time to really thank me for what I do?" So, please, if it is....again....slap me. I just feel like I'm stuck in this loop where I'm always going to be that guy who can do everything, but is always forgotten about when it comes time for appreciation. And, it's partly my own fault. I know. I don't ask for much in the way of compensation for what I do. I give of my time, and I'd give more if I could. But, I give away a lot of my talents. I give away those pieces of me too freely at times. And so, I've become the go-to guy who can do something for someone on a moment's notice, and I don't establish ways to be compensated. And, once you head down the road where people see you giving freely, it unfortunately results in getting burned and used. And, that's where it's my fault. I've allowed that for certain things...for certain jobs...for certain roles.

We Always hit the Bottom 'fore we get set Free

Why am I bringing all this up now? Why is all this spilling out of me? Why am I sharing these inner thoughts with you? Why? In the past six months, I've been through an emotional, spiritual, and sometimes physical hell. I didn't go through the cancer--my wife did. But, I've suffered. Emotionally, this has drained me to a breaking point. Spiritually, it's caused me to doubt, to question, and to shut down. Physically, I'm exhausted, and yet, I'm on edge...just waiting for the next bad thing to happen. I didn't go through the treatments--my wife did. But, I've got my own scars from this. I don't have to have follow-up scans and checkups--my wife does. But, I'll have to go through the same fear of waiting and not knowing what's around the corner....will it come back? So, maybe I'm hitting the bottom. And, maybe this is all my emotions and thoughts coming out because--well--I can't get any lower. I'm ready to get set free. I'm ready to move on to the reward. I'm ready to do something that I love. I'm ready to be happier. I'm ready to be more than nobody number one.

I think I'm beginning to breathe.

....and that's how white boys rap in Kentucky. (that's for the Apples.)

a quick Shout Out! to Kylie Jo, a kindred spirit and fellow Apple, for taking the brave step of posting her photography for the world to see and--hopefully--purchase. Congrats, KJ!

Check out her work. You can find her at thesecretroom.etsy.com.

and another Shout to Bill I., who maintains OtR's MySpace and Facebook sites, is a Louisvillian, and an all-around pleasant fellow and also a great photographer. His blog has been added to the kindred spirits below.

In regards to being an Apple... One of the things that has really helped me get through the past several months of my wife's battle with cancer has been this thing called "The Orchard." When days were exhausting, when I wasn't sure how to get my next boost of energy, or when I just needed a moment to get away from the space-time continuum that is cancer, I would go to the Orchard. But, going to the Orchard was only part of the escape. I really go to the Orchard for the Apples. To spend time with them. To learn about them. To build friendships and relationships with them. To be energized. To empathize. And sometimes, to just sit, silently, and wait. I'm an Apple, by the way.

Okay. Some explanation? Apples are just people. More specifically, people who are a part of The Orchard--an online community of individuals brought together, initially, by their shared love of the band Over the Rhine. But, spend some time there, and it becomes quickly noticeable that there is much more than a shared love of a band that draws us together. We're family. In a weird, wild, and wonderful way.

What draws us all together? I was talking with my wife about it the other day, trying to explain that I think it has to do with our shared love of all things artistic. It is amazing to learn the artistic talents that are embodied within the Apples (the "forbidden fruit" as Karin calls us.) There are lovers of all things music (even Duran Duran,) all things photography, all things literary...and the list goes on. Not only that, but it seems nearly everyone has a talent or two that drives them. Writing poetry. Singing. Painting. Playing an instrument (or two, or three, or...) I was trying to explain to my wife that I think it's the "creative" connection that has attracted me to the Orchard...that, and the hundreds of interesting stories that come out of it.

I was relating the Orchard community to her much like the Highlands neighborhood of my hometown of Louisville. If you live in or around Louisville, you know what the Highlands are, and what the social atmosphere is like. I love it down there, and could easily find myself living in that part of town (I know of at least one Apple that does live in the Highlands, in fact.) There's a lot of creativity churning on the streets, in the shops and along the sidewalks of Bardstown Road. And, like the Orchard, there are a million stories to tell.

My wife's response?

"So basically, you're all freaks?"

Yep. That about sums it up.

Shout Out! to Ear X-tacy ! Paste Magazine is naming them one of the top 17 coolest music stores in the country. Nice to see Louisville getting some music recognition lately. This month's Paste features hometown favorites My Morning Jacket as the cover story.

It's now been about 6 months or so since I've written a blog that was based on nothing but my own interests. With Sarah going through chemotherapy for her cancer, it became obvious that my blog page (fingerposts.blogspot.com) needed to be focused on that journey. Sarah really took over the task of keeping it updated and I think she still sees it as a good way to share with friends, family, and anyone interested in her journey.

I've been quite pleased to let her do the blog. I really lost my interest in blogging and I think I needed that break from writing.

In the last couple days, though, I've felt like I am somewhat ready to rediscover my words. To re-invest in the exercise of blogging; and this time, to do it in an altogether different way.

I don't know that I'll blog every day...or every other day...honestly, I don't plan on promising much more than the occasional post. But I do want these to be more significant in nature...to reveal more about me, my life, my views, my friends and my familiy, and the interests of my journey. I plan on it being more "artsy" in nature. I'm a Christian, I don't deny it, and I'm unashamed of the faith I hold dear. I trust in the Lord, I love Him. I serve Him in my life. But, unlike many of my other blogs in the past, this one won't be solely focused on my faith. Sure, faith will play a factor in what I write (that is, you'll probably get a taste of my faith through what I write) but it won't be the key focus of these posts.

This will be a random blog, too. Some days, I expect it to be rambling diatribes of my personal opinions. Other days, it will be to show a photo or video I've come across. Some days, it may just be a word or two in reference to something random.

Basically, don't expect anything you'd expect.

I'm starting on my first blog tonight. I'm hoping to finish it and post it in the next day or two.

--OH, and Shout outs will abound! For example:

Shout Out! to Bill, Stiv & Amanda, Bruce (Sweet Caroline), Kylie Jo, Kelly, Jeanne, Amanda, Steve, and any other Apples who may venture by! You're my newest "family" and are part of my inspiration for doing this again! Thanks!!

Shout Out! to Karin, Linford, Jake and Mickey! You'll probably not stop by, but I'm shouting nonetheless. If the Apples are part of my inspiration, you are my motivation. In the past few months of my wife's cancer journey, I have found my peace, solace, and energy in your music, in Linford's lyrics, and in Karin's voice. I can't thank you enough. You've got a lifelong fling in me.

First blog soon. I promise.