Nobody's #1

I haven't written in quite a while, and I don't know really why I decided to pick it back up tonight. After all, this is probably a bad time to be writing. I'm frustrated, angry, worried, completely stressed out, and for all purposes...spent.

Yet, I also recognize that it's typically in these moments -- moments in which I can't tell up from down -- that the deepest creativity and truest truths come peeking up through the fog. In the middle of the night, when the world rests; when my wife, my son, and our three dogs all are curled up under warm blankets; when all is still; that is when my mind and my heart and my soul begin to reach out for that "thing" --that mystical moment when truth is revealed--as if God himself was waiting to deliver a message and was just waiting until I was alone.

I guess that's why I'm writing. I'm lost.

Is this a test? Is it a "season" of life? Is it something altogether different? Why is it that I find myself in a state of limbo? Am I a failure? Am I about to experience some major setback? Punishment?

These are my questions. And, there's no seemingly clear answer or direction.

...I'm taking a ride on a wing and a prayer...

So this is my statement...my call...my announcement to the world, to anyone who cares to read it, and to God:

I'll take that ride on a prayer. I'm tired of limbo. I am tired of "okay." I'm tired of holding back the desire in my heart to do more. No more feeble and meager steps of faith. I'm ready to leap, to dive, to jump. No more conservative-ness in faith, life, or love.

...follow me there. We'll both be surprised.

Yup. We sure seem to be in 'em. Or, at least, I hope so. 

It's hard to believe it, but one year ago today (April 21) was Sarah's final chemo treatment. It wasn't, of course, the last day she had to deal with the side effects--but it was the last time she had to have a bag of the "agent orange" ported into her abdomen.

There are days--like today--that I can only refer to 2008 as a "blur." It was all too surreal, as if being thrown into a play where you're a main character, but you haven't a clue as to what to say or do. An uneasy sense of being "lost" in your own life. Time standing still. No sense of beginning or end.

To recognize what she went through, and then to see her today...healthy, alive, strong, happy....it's almost to much to take in.

But sometimes the worry and fear remain. When I read about an old schoolmate who is currently undergoing chemotherapy for the second or third time....when I hear stories of church acquaintances who have been diagnosed...or when I just happen to pass by a billboard that talks about cancer...in those instances, I'm reminded.

It touched us. It changed our lives. It stole things. And, it always lurks.

No, I don't think about it all the time, but I do think about it from time to time. There's always a twinge of worry. There's always that "what if" scenario that plays in my head.

And it isn't nice.

Yet, for this day, as much as I can, I focus on what is good. God has remained faithful to us, providing Sarah with healing, and health. She is in remission. And, other than her now-curly hair, she shows no outward indication that she underwent the hellish events of last year.

And that's what I'll remember today.

I've started this blog several times over the past three months. Yet, every time, it seems I get too deep into one area, and I wind up wearing myself out trying to complete it.

So, in this attempt..I'm going to keep it "short," and simply try to boil the major events down to bullet points. (We'll see how this goes....)

December 2008
- Went to FIVE (5) Over the Rhine concerts. Two in Louisville, the two 20th Anniversary shows at the Taft Theater in Cinci, and the "Sunday Soiree" at St. E's in Norwood, OH.

The biggest highlight was at the Louisville Bomhard show. I was able to convince Sarah to come to her first OtR show...and thanks to the great help of some friends and connections, I was able to get a note to the band about her struggle with cancer this past year. That evening, they dedicated the ENTIRE SHOW to her. What an honor and surprise. Quite the highlight.

- The afore-mentioned cancer battle: December marked the one year point since Sarah was diagnosed. It was such a great thing to be able to spend Christmas celebrating life and love and the holidays with family. Christmas 2007 was a lot different. Sarah was at home, preparing for major surgery the next day. This year, we spent it opening presents, laughing with family, and recognizing the "reason for the season."

January 2009

Just as we thought we were heading into a new year of life beyond struggles (boy, I was foolishly optimistic!)...the marketing department of my company was ELIMINATED on January 5. That, of course, includes me. Now, two months later, I'm still looking for something. The market for marketing and graphic design is pretty sparce at this point. We've still had decent finances, and we know our "daily bread" is taken care of...but I'm tired of being unemployed. I'm ready for something new.

My hope/dream/prayer is that this is God's plan to open doors for me to begin a new career in music/worship ministry. It truly is my heart's desire, and my long-term goal to do such a thing.

Before our pre-paid benefits ran out at work, I went to the eye doctor and got a couple new pairs of specs....while at the appointment, the eye doctor noticed some issues related to long-term effects from having diabetes. That led to...

February 2009

As a result of what that doctor saw, he wanted me to follow up with Bennett & Bloom eye centers, and a opthamologist who specializes in diabetic retinopathy.

(have you noticed I've fallen away from my "bullet point" plans?...)

Turns out I have what's called "Proliferative Diabetic Retinopathy." I have it in both eyes, but the right eye was more noticable.

What is PDR? Basically, diabetics have issues over years where the blood vessels can't provide the oxygen/blood supply to the eye that it needs. As a result, the eye generates new vessels (capillaries) to overcome this. Sounds like a great plan, except these vessels are VERY fragile. They are prone to hemorrhaging and bleeding into the eye. This can lead to scarring around the retina, or retinal separation...a.k.a. blindness.

To prevent this, the eye surgeon uses a laser to "zap" the back of the eye several hundred times to stop the continued growth of these vessels.

So, my right eye got zapped on March 2...so I'll cover that in a minute...we're still in February, which included...

- Me turning 31, and Sarah turning 29.

Okay, on to...

March 2009

Not much yet, but two significant things.

- The eye surgery. I actually went in thinking they were doing both eyes. But the doctor said the right eye was the only one he wanted to do for now. The surgery only took about 30 minutes, and it was mildly painful at times.

The problem now, a little over 24 hours after the surgery, is that everything is now VERY BLURRY in my right eye. I don't know yet if this is a temporary or permanent thing. I hope it's just the eye healing and such. But, it's ANNOYING.

As I sit here typing this, I realized that if I close my left/good eye, I have to (with my glasses on) put my face about four inches from the screen to read it. And, no, they can't give me a new prescription. This isn't the curvature of the eye that's changed...rather, the receptors in the back have been damaged. So, if this is permanent, there's really nothing to do to improve it. It'll always be this way.

I'm thinking of getting a pirate's eye patch. Arrgh!

But, all that said...my greatest news of March 2009 so far...

As of March 3...Sarah's cancer is officially IN REMISSION!!! Yay!

I was telling a couple people today...I know it's just a word, but oh, what a powerful word it is...it's a reason to celebrate, and we're going to.

And so, as I sit here, unemployed, with only one eye working correctly, and totally unsure of what tomorrow might bring...reflecting on Sarah's good news reminds me...

We went through hell last year. Sarah more than me...but we made it. With God's power, our family's love, our friends' support, and even with a few Apples along the way.

And so, in 2009... We're gonna pull through.

taken at columbus zoo a couple months ago..