Nobody's #1

If you're NOT an Over the Rhine fan, then you probably are wondering where my blog title comes from. And, if you ARE an OtR fan, you may be wondering why my title is slightly different than the actual song title. (Nobody Number One.) Well, there's a lot for me to identify with in the song. Maybe it has deeper meaning than what I draw out of it, but I do draw from it. For years, I've struggled with this feeling that--although I'm much better about dealing with it--persists in my life. A feeling that can be summed up in this statement:

I am nobody.

I have been told I have a lot of gifts. I can sing. I can play guitar, drums, the dulcimer (hammered and mountain,) piano, and a few other instruments (some better than others.) I have been doing professional graphic design work for a decade. I've been writing even longer. I am fairly experienced in audio and visual technologies. I've done youth ministry, worship ministry. I've taught, led camps, fixed computers, and I change my own oil and brakes. And, on occasion, I've been told that I'm a good listener, a caring person, and a good friend. I know I do all those things. And, I try to do them as well as I can. I don't claim to be great at any of them. But, I am able to do them all. And, I've been recognized by some for my abilities. But, most of the time, I still feel like I'm nobody. I don't want this to sound selfish, so slap me in the face if it does. But, I feel like I'm needed for a lot of things, but not recognized for a lot of things. And, as a result, I think my mind leads me down a road that tells me that I must be a nobody. If I serve, if I play, if I give of myself and my talents, and I am not recognized....that's fine. I do it all to serve, to help. But, if it goes unrecognized--in my mind--it is as if I just gave a piece of me that I'm not getting compensated for. Maybe this is a "creative person" thing. I just had a conversation with someone who was telling me how it was a bit scary to be sharing their talent with the world...like it was giving up something "inside" to the "outside." It's a very unnerving thing to do for the first time. But, it can be very rewarding. I guess what I'm saying is, at least in my mind, I've let all my creative "inside" out, and I don't think it's been very rewarding. I know my treasure's in heaven. But, I'd love to have a bit of recognition here too.

A Piece of Me

Here's more insight. The things I mentioned above...the talents. They've ALL been self-taught. I've never taken a graphic design class. I've never taken a piano lesson, a guitar lesson, a dulcimer lesson, a computer course, etc. I did take a semester of journalism, and a semester of youth ministry. Other than that, it's all things I've chosen to learn on my own, and taught myself. And, while you may think that's special, it means that my resume doesn't really go beyond my high school education. I am not a textbook Christian. I think people know I'm a Christian, but I also don't want to fit into the cookie-cutter pattern that today's churches have created to define a good "Christian." With that said, I have a heart for ministry. I want to minister...specifically through worship ministry and through touching individual lives. Over the past 6 years or so, I have continually been drawn into worship ministry in some form. And, when I close my eyes, or go to that place in my heart where I feel that I would be smack-dab in the middle of doing what God created me to do, I am leading worship. I am touching lives through music and the arts. I am serving in ministry. I feel at times that my life has been made for this form of service. And, nothing gets my heart more aflutter than to be leading others in a song, and to be using the power of written word and music to change others' viewpoint on life and faith. And, if I look at my self-taught resume, I think, "hey, I've got the talents to do that as a profession." But, then, I'm reminded... I'm a nobody. I'm not formally trained in music. And, I'm not ordained. I have no diploma that says I can minister to people. And so, when the opportunity to pursue a job as a worship minister comes up--as is the case right now--I already feel like it's useless to pursue. Because, after all, I'm nobody. On paper, I just don't stack up to the others. "But Patrick, you shouldn't let that hold you back." I know. But, I also know that when a church looks for a "minister"--an "ordained minister," that they will probably not look at me. I'm little more than a high school graduate. I'm the guy who has to check the "Some College" button. And, that's pushing it.

That Still Small Voice

It is calling me. But, I can't tell right now what it's trying to say. I'm drawn to it. I want to understand it. But, I don't know what it's telling me. Is it telling me that I'm supposed to be a worship minister? Is it saying that I'm supposed to remain where I'm at? Or, is it telling me that I need to get used to the idea of being "nobody"? I'm just not sure.

C'mon now, Child, Don't Cry

I hope this isn't coming across as whining. I hope it doesn't come across as "why am I not getting paid better," or, "why can't I just have the job I want," or, "why doesn't anybody just take time to really thank me for what I do?" So, please, if it is....again....slap me. I just feel like I'm stuck in this loop where I'm always going to be that guy who can do everything, but is always forgotten about when it comes time for appreciation. And, it's partly my own fault. I know. I don't ask for much in the way of compensation for what I do. I give of my time, and I'd give more if I could. But, I give away a lot of my talents. I give away those pieces of me too freely at times. And so, I've become the go-to guy who can do something for someone on a moment's notice, and I don't establish ways to be compensated. And, once you head down the road where people see you giving freely, it unfortunately results in getting burned and used. And, that's where it's my fault. I've allowed that for certain things...for certain jobs...for certain roles.

We Always hit the Bottom 'fore we get set Free

Why am I bringing all this up now? Why is all this spilling out of me? Why am I sharing these inner thoughts with you? Why? In the past six months, I've been through an emotional, spiritual, and sometimes physical hell. I didn't go through the cancer--my wife did. But, I've suffered. Emotionally, this has drained me to a breaking point. Spiritually, it's caused me to doubt, to question, and to shut down. Physically, I'm exhausted, and yet, I'm on edge...just waiting for the next bad thing to happen. I didn't go through the treatments--my wife did. But, I've got my own scars from this. I don't have to have follow-up scans and checkups--my wife does. But, I'll have to go through the same fear of waiting and not knowing what's around the corner....will it come back? So, maybe I'm hitting the bottom. And, maybe this is all my emotions and thoughts coming out because--well--I can't get any lower. I'm ready to get set free. I'm ready to move on to the reward. I'm ready to do something that I love. I'm ready to be happier. I'm ready to be more than nobody number one.

I think I'm beginning to breathe.

....and that's how white boys rap in Kentucky. (that's for the Apples.)